Regurgitating Dream

I had a dream a long time ago that keeps popping back in to my head.

I was standing on the roof of a skyscraper looking at a bunch of people standing in lines for something. Each of them was holding a huge plastic flower above their heads with both hands because it was windy. As soon as I wanted to see where they were going and why they were doing this I found myself in line. I could see at the front of the line there was a lead person facing the lines and telling the person in front something. I couldn't hear what it was, but I knew I'd find out soon enough as the line kept moving forward at a steady pace. Looking to the left and right I noticed the line of people spanned the building top and all were facing the same direction. One by one, each moving forward, holding those crazy but colorful plastic flowers about their heads.

For some unexplainable reason I didn't want to be in this line. I just wanted to know what was going on. The closer I got to the front the less comfortable I felt. I wanted to step out of line and put the flower down. Still I hadn't placed the flower over my head and I was debating doing so. The synchronicity and calm with which these people moved made me uneasy. Did they all know what they were doing or were they just curious like me but afraid to disturb the order by talking, like I was?

Finally there were only three people ahead of me. I was close enough to see what was going on and I didn't like it. They were all jumping off the top, silent and still holding the plastic flowers above their heads. Stepping up to the edge they paused and waited for the person in the front, watching the line to utter something that I still couldn't hear, before they finally stepped off the edge. This is stupid, I thought. I'm not going to do this, I thought to myself while looking down at the huge plastic flower I was holding in my hands. Then I realized no one had told me that I had to put the flower above my head yet. I could just step out of line at this point and walk down the stairs. The people directing the lines aren't looking at us. They just stand there still and calm never moving their head or looking in anyone's eyes.  The second this thought passes through my mind I am locked in eye contact with the person directing the line. His expressionless face and wordless mouth strikes fear in to my very soul and I place the flower above my head with both hands. This makes me feel extremely vulnerable and thoughts of how to escape start to race through my head.

There is still one person ahead of me. That is all the time I have to come up with a plan of escape. Can the director tell what I'm thinking? Are my eye's giving me away? Is he going to grab me and toss me off or let me go? I don't care if he thinks I'm a coward. I'm scared and I never wanted to be in this line. I just wanted to know what everyone else was up to. I still can't tell if he's mad or ready strike and now I'm at the front. My mind is racing and I'm frozen. When it's time to jump I'll run. I'll toss the big plastic flower in his face and run for the door that leads to the stairwell. Just as quick as a blink he breaks his lock with my eyes. He only said this, "ok, you can jump now."

 Fear is replaced with determination and I make my move. I put my foot out and stepped off the building holding the plastic flower above my head, exposing my torso to the concrete. Three thoughts, that's all I had while I was falling and watching the ground race towards my face. Here they are in order;  first thought: What the hell! second thought: I'm going to DIE!! third thought: well, there's nothing I can do about it now... This all happened before I was even half way down so I just looked around to see what things looked liked when you fall off a building. I didn't scream, think or look at the ground that was going to smash my body. I just looked around. After I landed I got up. No pain. I didn't even wonder if I was dead. Instead I thought, "That was neat. I wonder what it looks like the whole way down."

I walk through the door at the bottom of the building and begin to climb the stairs back up to the top.

Every year since this dream I have found myself mulling it over and over in my head trying to figure out what it means. I look around at my life and try to divine a pattern that would explain why this dream seems to "randomly" pop in to my head, distracting me from all other thoughts outside of the anticipation of my smoke break.

Insight welcomed,

M